Our minds create who we are

Blog when I reflect and reflect when I blog.

Summer is my reflective time. It is where I sit and think, sometimes overthink.

I enjoy my time, our time and every moment possible.

Waking up without having a set time and routine feels good.

Summer homework, class, reading.

Coffee, kids running around, laundry, cleaning up, watching tv, playing outside, taking in some sun, watering the plants, getting sprinkled by the kids, sitting on the deck and again reflect.

Trying to put the kids to nap, Target run, paying bills, running errands with the twins, Cook, wash dishes, more laundry, wash the floors, bath time for the kids, husband time, trying to settle down, nice warm hot shower, bed.

No routine, just living life.

But here I am having some type of anxiety, thinking I have two weeks left until returning back to work.(Do not get me wrong, I Love Teaching)  However, after having kids, I feel that my time with them during the summer is the best time I have with them. We try to explore and enjoy every moment. Backyard, watering the plants, the small garden, park, beach, pools, and going to the Dominican Republic together as a family for the first time was a beautiful experience. Palm trees, beautiful beaches, pools, music, relaxation and our brother and sister’s wedding was magical and unforgettable. It makes me think and look back on how beautiful destination weddings are because it is a time to unite, relax and a time to have fun.

Looking back in 2012, I had many great moments and our wedding was one of them. My Masters Graduation and many more events were great but I or we still remember less than two weeks before our wedding was a moment where I did not know what to expect or do.On Father’s Day 2012, we announced that we were expecting. It was a beautiful moment because we were going to become parents. The night before was my bachelorette party (thanking all the girls that helped and my Maid of honor) it was a beautiful and intimate night but I had pains, sharp pains, very deep pains. I will sit on the toilet, thinking I had intense constipation but nothing, nada. So the next day, we hosted Father’s Day at our house which I loved because I spent it with our immediate family, my father in law and my Father. It felt good because we wanted to announce our amazing news that we were expecting. However, that day I had a weird vibe, something did not feel right. The days went on and I still felt that pain, it was intense, it was a moment where you hoped for everything minus one thing. It was a saturday morning, I attended my God daughter's dance recital. I could not sit still, sit straight, I was moving all around. It was very uncomfortable. Again, I get up and go to the restroom, thinking why can’t I go? Go back and sat down because I did not want to miss one moment of the dance recital. It was over, the dance recital was over then we waited outside to take pictures but I was still having intense pains. My parents were there with my Aunt having conversations. I wanted to call my fiance at that time but his bachelor party was that day and I did not want to bother him. So I kept thinking and dealing with my pain. Until I saw the sun, a voice told me to go to the hospital. My pain was intense, I didn’t want to drive and so my Mom offered to come join me at the hospital. There I was waiting, ultrasounds, and another ultrasound. I saw it, it was one beautiful sack with two little bodies just sitting there. Doctor after doctor came in, procedures after screenings. I sat there.. I sat there…. Because I knew that what they saw was not true. They took me to another room, more ultrasounds, more procedures, more doctors walking in. That is when I started to cry, to think, to ask. I could not believe the feeling that I had of guilt, what did I do? What did we do? Was I working too much, studying too hard, sleeping not enough, planning the wedding, was it the food I ate? Was it me? But I waited, I waited because I was waiting for some heart beats. I was waiting for two heartbeats. I was waiting… I did not want to speak.. So I texted my fiance.. It was two words. I did not want to speak to anyone.. To no one.. Nada.. Nothing. That day was intense, it was… well I can not express enough because all I thought was I have to be strong, I have to do this for us. Our wedding was a week away… how can I think of having a wedding when all we thought was about the loss(es). Tears each night, thoughts all day and night, I did not know what to do but I couldn’t pause, we knew we had angels with us. They are still our angels that we never met. I had to move on and marry the man that I dreamt of, the man that I knew will be a great dad. (which he is now). So days went by and there we were in my native country, Dominican Republic. Enjoying each moment and trying to move on but at night and certain occasions i could not. I did not speak about it, I did not want anyone to ask me questions about it. I did not want any pity, sympathy, questions, any thoughts of what had happened. All I wanted was a hug, a hug because sometimes that can be more powerful than anything else. Silence can be more powerful anything but questions.. Words.. That sometimes might come out the wrong way from people that just might have the right intentions is not right to me. My body was still tired, my body was still working, my body was still weak. Then again, I was marrying my bestfriend and we were with all our loved ones, our family and friends. That is when I thought that life was still beautiful. Life is a gift from God, life is where all your loved ones unite and create memories. It was during that week and that time when I realized that life is not forever. Life is beautiful, the sun kept us going, the sound of the ocean gave us hope. The wind gave us a feeling that our angels were with us. Time with family and friends were the best time of our lives because when I saw people, when I danced, when we held hands, when we looked at each other, when I cried at night in those closed beautiful walls, when we looked at the ocean, when we saw the sun, when we smiled, we knew our angels were there. We had a feeling, I had a feeling that when there is positive vibes, good things happen. When my thought is positive, good things were about to happen. When my husband cried, i just hugged because i felt that good things were about to happen. When i did not speak, i knew that good things were about to happen. When I saw people being there for us, i knew that good things were about to happen. When our minds are stronger than any other part of our bodies, I knew that good things were about to happen. Maybe I don’t express as much to certain people but maybe it was not the time. Only a few people get to know me because life is about relationships. It is about connections, about listening, about hugging, about having the best time of your life because we never know. We just never know the last moment. In life we live, we do what we have to do but do we sit there and really get to know each other? Or do we make assumptions? Or do we believe or not believe? Do we love? Do we? Do we make relationships? You see while others might of have felt pity, maybe sympathy, or maybe did not care. We knew, I knew that something good was about to happen.

Months later after our wedding, it just happened.. we were expecting again but now with fraternal twins. You see, we have four children instead of two. The angels that we did not get to meet are watching over us and their brother and sister. We never got to know the identical twins gender but all I know is that they are here with us. Having twins is not easy but damn right well worth it. Now blessed with a boy and girl twin, we knew, I knew that God does create miracles. Blessed and fortunate because our minds create who we are.